What Should I Say

Updated August 2026

Talking about death and what should happen after we die can be difficult. For many families, it is a subject that rarely comes up until circumstances force the conversation.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Talking about your wishes while you’re healthy gives everyone time to listen, ask questions and understand what matters to you — without having to make those decisions during a crisis.

When do I bring it up?

There may never be a perfect time, but there are natural opportunities.

The death of a relative, friend, neighbor or even a pet often causes families to think about life, death and what happens afterward. That can provide an opportunity to say:

“This got me thinking. I realized there are some things I’d want you to know if anything ever happened to me.”

You don’t have to have one enormous conversation about everything. Start with something small.

What do I say to my spouse?

Your spouse may be the most important person to talk with.

You might start simply:

“We’re both fine, and I hope we have many years ahead of us. But if something happened to one of us, I don’t want the other one left trying to figure everything out.”

Talk about where important papers are kept, financial accounts, insurance, passwords and digital information, funeral wishes, pets, your home, and whom to contact for help.

Most importantly, make sure each of you knows what the other person wants.

What do I say to my children?

What you say depends greatly on their age.

Younger children don’t need to be burdened with financial or legal details. But as children become old enough to understand, you can gradually talk about the things that matter to your family.

You might tell them:

“We don’t expect anything to happen to us, but families make plans just in case.”

If you’re considering someone as their guardian, you can talk about the people your children know and trust.

As your children get older, conversations can become more detailed. You can talk about your values, education, family traditions, possessions that have special meaning, and what you hope they’ll remember and carry forward.

These conversations don’t have to be frightening. They can be about family history and the life you’ve built together, not simply about death.

Who would take care of my children?

From the time you have a child, it’s worth thinking about whom you would trust to care for that child if you and the other parent could no longer do so.

Don’t simply put someone’s name on a piece of paper.

Talk to them.

Ask whether they would be willing to take on that responsibility. Talk about your children’s personalities, needs, education, family relationships and the values that matter to you.

Consider a backup choice as well.

Then make sure your estate-planning documents properly record your wishes in accordance with the laws of your state.

What about things that are special to us?

Sometimes the easiest way to begin these conversations is through an object.

Perhaps your daughter loves a piece of jewelry. Your son treasures your guitar. A grandchild has always admired something in your home.

You can say:

“I’d like you to have this someday.”

That simple statement can lead naturally into a larger conversation about your wishes.

It also gives you an opportunity to explain why something matters. The story behind an object may ultimately mean more to your family than the object itself.

What should my family know?

Your family doesn’t necessarily need every detail of your affairs today, but the people you trust should know enough to find what they need if something happens to you.

At least one trusted person should know:

  • Where your will and other important documents are located
  • Whom you have selected as executor
  • Whom you have nominated as guardian for minor children
  • Where important financial and insurance information can be found
  • How to locate essential digital information
  • Whom to contact for legal, financial or other professional assistance
  • What arrangements you’ve made for your pets
  • Your general wishes concerning your funeral or memorial

What should I say about my funeral?

Your family shouldn’t have to guess.

You don’t have to plan every detail, but tell them what’s important to you.

Would you prefer burial or cremation? A traditional funeral, a memorial service, or something very simple? Is there music you love? A particular place that’s meaningful to you? Are there religious or family traditions you want observed?

Write those wishes down — but talk about them too.

A conversation can give your family something a document cannot: an understanding of why those wishes matter to you.

Don’t try to say everything at once

Perhaps the most important thing is simply to begin.

You don’t need a formal family meeting. You don’t need a script. And you don’t need to finish the entire conversation in one evening.

Start with:

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

Then talk.

Planning isn’t only about documents. It’s about making things easier for the people you love.

This information is provided for general educational purposes and is not legal advice. Estate and guardianship laws vary by state. Consider consulting a qualified attorney about your individual circumstances.